Tonight Ivy told me that she wanted to go live with her teacher.
Don't get me wrong, I know kids say a lot of stuff like that. And I shouldn't take it personally. She's five, she doesn't know it hurts my feelings. I shouldn't react; it shouldn't hurt. She's going to say a lot worse when she hits middle school, it definitely shouldn't hurt yet while she was still a baby.
But it did.
Probably because it was on the heels of an enormously stressful day where many things went wrong and I felt bad already. Or maybe it's because she's been really touchy and downright mean the past few days and we're not gellin' like usual.
I tried very hard to control myself. "Ivy," I said, "if you live with someone else that means you're not in our family anymore." (Okay, maybe I didn't control myself.)
She shrugged. It was the second insolent shrug I had witnessed that day. It caused my heart to sink and my mind to wander.
Doesn't she know what I do for her everyday? That I sacrificed taking medicine that might actually work for a year and a half so she could breastfeed? And I gave up all hope of a clean car, nights out with friends, and new clothes for myself just so I could make her life comfortable? I buy chicken nuggets and ketchup in bulk! I eat pizza and McDonald's waaaay more than I want or need to! I haven't bought a grown-up DVD in years!
And then I felt what every Mom fears to feel.....the "OMG I sound just like my mom" feeling. You know, the one where a phrase comes out of your mouth (a familiar sound from your own childhood) that you swear you could not have said in the presence of your own children...it must be your mother channeling herself through your mouth! Except this time, it was scarier- I was having thoughts that my mother used to have when I was young. Not just saying cliches....actually thinking like my mom.
So, not only does my five year old dislike living with me, but I also have the knowledge that my mom has invaded my brain. Great end to the day.
3 comments:
=(
Cheer up Mrs. Scheeler!
The fact that your mom said/thought it too means it's normal!
You're tough!
You'll be fine!
It's completly normal to feel that way. Any mom would and we all do. We all try so hard for our kids but they don't see it because they aren't there yet.
I have students tell me all the time that they wish that I was there mom. I always tell them that it is a nice thing to say but they are so lucky to have the mom they have.
Ivy loves you and I think it's all of our worst nightmares to end up like our mothers, but we won't.
You've always been a tough chick!
Amanda :)
Tracee, you know that we've all said something like that to our folks. Heck, I've even thought it in the last 5 years. She'll forget about it in a day or so, so don't stress about it. Like you said, you'll be hearing alot worse when she gets older. I love you!!!
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