Ivy is going to military school and things I wouldn't wish on you

Ivy intentionally splashed water in my ear last week. Now I have swimmer's ear and it is AWFUL.

So swimmer's ear is now something I wouldn't wish on anyone, along with the rest of this list.....

Kidney stones: is there any worse pain other than self-disembowelment??

Swallowing a fly: this was a total accident, but I swear I've never felt worse. Like a gross tv show that you can't stop watching because you ARE the tv show.

Breaking a toe: it hurts!!! And when you go to the ER, they laugh at you and send you home with duct tape.

Have a first grader pee on your foot during 1st period: you think you're in the clear when it's not kindergarten. You are wrong.

Living with an adolescent girl: my mom deserves props for allowing me to live through age 11.

I want my...I want my...I want my kids' TV

I don't have to worry about my kids watching too much TV anymore. Because they don't watch it!

It's been forever since I had to listen to Girl Meets World or Teen Titans! I didnt even have to ground them.

I have total control over the remote. I can watch as much Law and Order as I want!!

You may think I'm mom of the YEAR or that my kids have had some sort of spiritual transformation, but sadly that's not the case.

This TV watching shortage in my house is the direct result of YouTube. There's Stampycat, who walks around a fake blocky world talking in an annoying falsetto. There's DisneyCar  toys, which open packs of Shopkins and Baby Alive dolls and have some sort of soap opera going on with Elsa and Anna dolls. Every Justin Bieber and Megan Trainor song has a corresponding video.

And then every child on Abby Lee's dance team has 62 videos on how to put on makeup or the latest gross sounds they can make.

I never thought I would say this, but I kind of miss Dora the Explorer asking me which way to go a thousand times.

I ask too much

Story is convinced that I am a monster who is trying to break her free will and turn her into a mini-slave. So I present to you...the top ten Story statements that demonstrate how I am ruining her life:

1. Mommy, I don't understand how you won't just let me be ME.

2. Why are you always wanting me to be a better person than I am? I don't want to be any better.

3. I don't think I should always have to be nice to you guys unless you are getting me something.

4. I have no control over my life. You tell me everything I am supposed to do. Can I go pee? Am I allowed to breathe?

5. I shouldn't have to be good.

6. You don't ever let me do anything I want to do!

7. Why do you want me to look so perfect all the time?!?! I don't want to be. Stop brushing my hair.

8. Really? How many more times in life do I have to shower???

9. You let me stay up too late and you wake me up too early!!!!!!

10. Why do you want me to be nicer? I have to be nice to people all day. I'm tired of being nice when I get home.