Mommy woes: Reading is bad

Ivy has a new love of reading. 

I have always bought books, borrowed books from the library, and heck, I pay $10 a month for Amazon free reading. Just so my kids will read. And they don't.

Apparently I have been choosing the wrong books. Ivy has read two whole books in a week that did not have pictures. No. Pictures. People!!!!!

They were recommended by her language arts teacher (who also happens to be my best friend). This is great, really....I was so excited to see her reading.

I have always picked happy books with no hard issues....these were books that made her think. And cry. For a few hours.

Now, I can't count the number of times I have sobbed incoherently over fictional characters. How many times did they die unexpectedly?  Or do something awful? Or break my heart, or have their own heart broken? I am no stranger to the emotional onslaught of a book.

But how am I going to console my daughter when so and so dies and she cries for two hours? I can't even fall back on, "They are in a better place now! We'll see them again in heaven!" because they don't exist.

I could read the book so I could more accurately gauge what she is going through, but I don't want to be sobbing at the end of it, too. So far, the best I can do is hold her while she sobs.

Things I Miss

I am not a sentimental mother.

And that's good because I think you can get lost in that....looking back so much that you don't see what your kids are doing in the present.

People miss their kids being babies....they remember them being small and cuddly and smelling good and smiling.....when I see a baby I acknowledge their smell and cuddlyness....but I also remember they have diapers, they cry, they can't talk, they puke, and they require you to pack a giant bag of anything they may need in the course of an hour anytime you go anywhere.....

I read a blog post about a mom who missed washing her daughter's hair. Not me. Maybe I'm not missing that one since I'm newly able to send them to the shower and scream 52 times from the living room, "Are you done?? Don't forget to use the soap!"

I enjoy the fact that they can use the microwave. I like that they can semi-choose matching clothes to wear if I just really don't want to pick them out. I am glad they can read instructions, and that I can trust them around electrical outlets, and also that I know Story won't go straight for the knives and cut her fingers off if they're putting away dishes. Theoretically they might be able to survive a few days without me!

The other day I made a list....a list, people! They did the things on the list. They cleaned toilet seats and sinks and swept floors. I was free to do laundry....and I started to think, "wow, this motherhood thing may be starting to pay off!!"

I'm not entirely cold hearted. I occassionally have a moment of nostalgia thinking about where they were totally entertained by a few belly tickles and eye contact. And then I ask Ivy to make me a bowl of popcorn and she does so I'm okay being in the present.

Watch this

Yesterday I wore a watch to church.

I used to wear watches all the time. I remember some super cool neon pink digital watches I wore back in the day. At one point in my life, I actually had three watches that I could change depending on what I wore! And when a watch died, I just threw it away and bought another $2 Walmart watch. 

When I was in college playing oboe 5 hours a day it seemed, I'd take my watch off, but it was always set up on my music stand so I could see just how much longer I had to play.

I don't know when I stopped wearing a watch. I've come to the conclusion that it coincided with the importance of my cell phone. When you're on your phone all day, there's no reason to have a watch to keep time! 

But of course, there are times throughout the day when looking at your cell phone for the time is considered a social faux pas. In the middle of a meeting. When talking to someone you wish you weren't talking to. In church.

Yesterday, I looked at my wrist and realized the time was right there. I didn't have to sneak a look at my phone in my purse to see the time! In fact, I could simply look at my wrist as many times as I wanted to. I bet I stared at my wrist a million times after I came to the realization that no one could see me checking the time!

It's sad to think about the lack of watch wearing happening today. Young people don't wear them. Older people do, but maybe out of habit. Is the watch industry suffering??

I've decided to bring back the art of watch wearing. Who's with me? We've got to save the livelihood of watchmakers everywhere. And then we can sneak a look at the time occasionally when we're not supposed to.

Bones

Ivy has just finished a unit on bones. I should have studied it with her because now I'm forced to decipher comments and questions such as these:

Mommy, my tibia hurts!

Mommy, how exactly do my ribs protect me?

Mommy, why do I have an anvil in my ear?

Mommy, can you check my metatarsals?

Mommy, why does your clavicle stick out?

I'm constantly googling bone names just to try and understand what the heck she's talking about.

But here's my favorite....I was putting on Ivy's jeans, complaining about having to get them over her butt. Exasperated, I yelled, "WHY is your butt so big?!?"

Ivy said, "That's an easy one. It's because my pelvis is bigger than a man's."

4:15....4:15....

For three days in a row, I have spontaneously awakened at 4:15 AM.

Which is good, I guess, I feel rested. Awake. Ready to start the day....

But something in the back of my brain can't stop thinking this waking up has a bigger purpose than I am aware of....or I at least keep thinking like a movie director....

WHY am I waking up at 4:15??? WHAT is going to happen to me at 4:15 that I need to be awake for????

• Is someone in my family going to choke or have a heart attack at 4:15?? Am I awake so I can administer CPR???

• Is someone going to rob our house at 4:15??

• Will my mom need me one day soon at 4:15???

• Am I going to be abducted by aliens at 4:15, and do they keep waking me up at this time to prepare me???

• Am I going to pull a Richard Gere (from the Mothman Prophesies) and suddenly find myself driving my car in Point Pleasant, WV...at 4:15????

I mean, it could be anything!!! My biggest task here is to wait and be ready for whatever is in store for me (because I'm always on camera and my life's a movie, right?).

Or, I just accidentally woke up at this time the other day and my body is following a pattern.

The first one's cooler though.

 

Big Bugs

In bed with Story...

Story: Mommy, are big bugs real?

Me: Yes, there are big bugs in the world.

Story: No, Mommy, are BIG BUGS real??

Me: What are you calling big? Wasps are big. Some spiders are big. Moths can be big.

Story: (clearly exasperated with me and rolling her eyes back in her head) no, Mommy, listen to me!! BIG bugs, like "Don't let the big bugs bite!"

Me: Oh, you mean BED bugs?

Story: No! Big bugs!

Me: It's BED bugs.

Story: Beds have bugs???? Big bugs?

Me: No, they're small. You almost can't see them.

Story: I can't ever sleep in my bed again.

I blame....SCHOOL!

Someone yesterday mentioned my blog, and I thought, "Gee, I haven't written on it for like two months."

So then I logged in, and realized I hadn't posted since JUNE. Of 2012.

And you know what? I blame....SCHOOL. Yes, school. Both of my kids are in SCHOOL. And that means I am a constant homework enforcing, chauffeur to these two little kids who are so young, they shouldn't be involved in anything! And yet they are!!

That got me thinking....I actually blame school for many, many things now....

• Teaching my kids to read. I can no longer spell anything!! I can't spell "McDonald's" or "playground" or "toys" or "Santa" because they seem to know what the word I am spelling is!!! Now in order to talk to my husband about something I don't want them to know about, I actually have to leave the room! Or create some secret kind of language that I can't keep straight so when I'm trying to say, "Let's take them to the park," I actually say something like "Yes, you can buy a golf cart!"

• Peer pressure. My kids used to be happy with everything I gave them/let them do. now they have things to compare it to...."Mommy, Katie says her mommy is taking her to Disney World. Why don't you take us to Disney World??" Or, "Mommy! Annie only wears clothes from Justice!!! She only wears dresses and glitter boots!!! I want dresses and glitter boots!!!" I swear, I don't think my wallet can compete with this.

• Math. Suddenly they know that getting a nickel for cleaning the playroom isn't keeping up with inflation.

• The tooth fairy. You know, our tooth fairy just can't afford to give $20 for losing a tooth. They want a new tooth fairy. Maybe the one their friends have.

• Science. The girls aren't happy with my explanations of how things work anymore. They now know that dinosaurs don't live under their beds to keep them from getting out of bed. They know that God doesn't make clocks and toys function properly. And they ask all sorts of questions about how cars work (I have no idea, I put the key in and it goes), why you can't eat chips all the time (because it makes you sick! Just ignore that I do it), and where dreams come from (I swear I learned this in psychology like 20 years ago, but honestly I don't have a clue now). They now know that I am just not as smart as they once thought.

So, thank you, school. Thank you for making me look bad.