Sunday, January 22, 2012

The White Pants Dilemma

In my closet, there are lots of pants. Some are too big. Some are too small. Some are just right. (Yes, I have three bears living in my closet.)

And one pair, one very special pair, is white. White. Very white. And they have never ever been worn!!



I'm not sure why I keep them in there. They do fit. And I tell myself all the time that I will wear them...soon! In winter, I say, "Oh, I'll wear them when it gets warm!" In summer, I tell myself, "I'll save them for wearing at school!" For the past two years I've been lying to myself in this manner, because I will never ever ever be able to wear them.

Why, you ask? Because I am clumsy. And staining substances are magnetically attracted to whatever I happen to have on my body. If I wear a white shirt, you can be sure I'll get some permanent black marker on it. A black shirt? Bleach will find me. Colors? Butter, grease, grape juice....you name it, if it's un-removeable, it will appear. My closet is filled with pretty clothes I can't stand to part with, but I can't ever wear in public again.

I'm especially good at sitting on something staining, too, but not realizing it. When I get home at night and find I have a big black mark on the seat of my pants, I marvel at the number of people I'd passed during the day who couldn't pull me aside and say, "Hey, you got a big mark on your butt." (So if you happen to see that I do, please tell me! I promise not to say, "What are you doing looking at my butt????")

I stalk white pants wearers sometimes. Some people wear them effortlessly, going through an entire day in a public school without a single mark or blemish. By 8:07, I probably would have gotten dry erase marker on the left leg and coffee on the right. I should get rid of the pants, right??

Of course, I don't know this for sure, seeing as how I've never worn white pants. So, it's quite possible that I could be one of those white pants wearers, if I was very very careful. And if I carried a Tide-to-go pen with me. And a towel to sit on. And a force field to keep those little kids from hugging me.

Which is why I will probably keep them in my closet...at least until summer. When I wear them. They are definitely summer pants...and it's winter.

2 comments:

ME McNeill said...

White pants have other issues too. My sister once wore a very cute pair of white pants to work. Sadly, she also wore polka-dotted panties.

tracee227 said...

Haha!!! See? That's something I would do too!!